Piggy’s little Blog

Don’t lie to youself you are fat.

Ghosts of a Previous life.

No matter how I try. No matter how far I get away from my previous negative lifestyle, I am forced on a daily basis to face Ghosts of my previous life. They exist in many forms, come to me when I don’t expect them but they are there, haunting me, taunting me, trying to pull me back towards them, back towards my previous fat life.

 

I am not perfect. There has been many things that I have done in my life that I have not been proud of, people I have hurt for no reason other than to make myself feel superior, better, people who I made fun of who were fatter than I was all in an attempt to mask my own fatness. When I look back on my life before now, at that sad girl that turned into a women somewhere along the way, it makes me sad, but most of all it scares the shit out of me. I am scared that one day, somewhere in the future I will go back to binge eating, and gaining weight. I am scared that for whatever reason that I will go back to the previous Piggy and that I will find myself back to being that fat kid in school, or that person that laughs at everything, the person that makes fun of herself before others can. I guess this is normal. I guess it is a normal feeling to have.

 

Every temptation that I give into I feel guilt, as if I have done something wrong. Every workout that I miss I feel like I have failed, fearful because I have reached a healthy weight now and maybe I will get too comfortable, stop working out and gain it all back.

 

I fear the 21km that I am going to run in May. The Half Marathon that I will attempt again. I am scared, actually no horrified that when I again reach that 13km mark I will get injured like in my past runs, and that I will fail to reach my goal. I fear that more than anything else right now. The ghosts of previous runs, previous failures are consuming my mind.

 

The ghost of no self-worth enjoys scaring me now and then, recently more than ever. I don’t even know what size I am, I am constantly buying larger clothes so  I don’t know how to shop for my body. Even when I do find clothes that fit, and know they look good, my insecurities about my stomach area rears it’s ugly head. I am forced to face that ghost, the past insecure me. I don’t like her, I hate her, but she is sometimes still there, she still exists.

 

 

I could tell you that these ghosts are “Nothing” but that would be a lie, that would not be the truth. They are something, and I hate to be the one to break it to you but they will follow you throughout your whole life. They will. They still follow me. They always will.

 

Now don’t think that I am this little helpless person still because I am not. I am the most confident in myself, the way that I look, everything in my life. I am for the first time in my 26 years of living on this  little planet happy, truly happy. I am in a great place right now, but sometimes these thoughts, these insecurities, these ghosts haunt me, I have no control over them or where they choose to rear there heads.

 

I can tell you this though. These ghosts of your past, these memories, these insecurities are actually a good thing. You can count on them to be your constant reminder of what you use to be. They are the only thing that will keep you in check. They are your fat reminder, essentially your fat alarm clock, they are necessary to make sure that you do not fall into your past life. Painful as they are, they are the things that push you forward and make sure that you do not fall back.

 

Oink, Oink my friends……

 

Original post found at: https://jbingham82.wordpress.com

 

March 13, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment

The need to look great in my “Birthday Suit”

 

I want to look good naked.

 

What?!?!?!?

 

What did you just say?!?!??!!?

 

Yup.

 

I- WANT- TO- LOOK- GOOD- NAKED.

 

      When I started my weight loss journey I wanted to get healthier, then when I was taken off my heart, blood pressure, and cholesterol medication then after that I wanted to get fitter and to be able to run a Half marathon properly. Now, at the end of my journey I just want one simple thing, to look good naked. When I say naked I mean  but-ass, birthday suit, “I feel a draft” NAKED.

 

     Now I am not saying that I want to have abs of steal, or even buns that would crush a rock, just that I want to stand in front of my mirror in my bedroom and say “Yup, I would DO me.” I don’t know why all of a sudden I want this, I am in a great relationship where I am respected and appreciated regardless of my size or shape, but I just want to do this for me.

 

My problem area

 

        Now everyone has there problem area, or as I like to call them “wobbly bits” that they hate. Some people hate their ass, while others think they have army tanks for thighs. For me it has, is, and always will be my stomach. All the women in my family tend to carry their weight in their stomachs, and although I have lost a substantial amount of weight and inches around my waist (12inches/ 1 foot has shrunk around my waist) I am still a little bit self-conscious about this area of my body. This is where ALL of my last 15 pounds live, I am fine with every other part of my body except for this one; my stomach, my flabby, fat, stomach.

     Let’s face facts; you can’t hate the way that your whole body looks. THERE IS PARTS OF YOUR BODY YOU DO LIKE. You need to find these parts, embrace these parts before you can fix your problem area. You must realize that some of you is fat, but that some other parts of you are great. For example, I have a great rack, (large boobs) and an (so I have been told) nice ass. I know this, so I don’t feel like I am a complete ugly fatty. Even though I have made major strides in self-confidence  with the “I am awesome attitude” I do realize that certain people don’t think this way about themselves and I respect that. But you need to find it, you need to take a good look at yourself and find the things that you like.

          

What you see VS. What is reality.

 

  Many people suffer from “body warping” meaning that they are one thing, and yet they see another. For example, my stomach. Every shirt that I wear I see it even though it is not as noticeable in all of them. I see my stomach larger than it actually is, I see myself larger than I actually am. To get over this I recommend that you do this;  Get out a washable marker, and stand against a white door. Stand there naked or in tight clothes and get someone to draw your ACTUAL outline on the door. Step back and take a look at it. Take a look at what you actually are, then draw with another color marker what you would like to fix  essentially draw  your new shape, draw your goal. You will be amazed how big or small you actually are. Just like you faced the numbers on the scale face this, accept this, and then move on.

 

 

I WANT TO STOP HIDING.

 

Yes, let those words ring out my friends. I don’t know about you but this piggy wants to stop hiding. I want to stop hiding behind baggy clothes, I want to stop hiding behind jackets. In the end I want to stand in front of my mirror and look good, actually no, GREAT naked. I want to look at myself, at every curve, every mark, every inch of me and feel great. This is by far the hardest part of my journey. It is the most frustrating part. I am lucky, I have surrounded myself with people who want to see me be achieve my best, I have essentially surrounded myself with people who are  pushing me towards this new goal.

 

Oink, Oink my friends…………..

 

March 9, 2009 Posted by | Motivation, Success, weight loss | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stop being an Idiot, and face the number on the Scale.

145lbs, 189lbs, 240lbs…whatever your number is…it is just that, it is YOUR number and if you intend on losing your fat ass, then face that horrible, discusting, frightning number.

It’s simple.

Stop being a god damn Idiot and get your fat ass on to that little metal scale, tilt your head downward and look at that number, face that number, ACCEPT that number.

If you think that you are going to “lose” weight without knowing where it is that you are coming from, then let me tell you something that no one else will, you will continue to be fat. You will lose absolutly nothing, so you might as well go up to the nearest McDonalds cashier and face them instead.

So face that number on the scale. Just look at it.

I know that at first you go to yourself “Holy god damn crap, I can’t believe that I let myself get this fat” As you have noticed I don’t use the nice phrases “Chubby” or “overweight” I don’t sugar coat it….just let yourself have that moment that, “F*%&! I AM A FAT ASS….” moment. Losing weight is like dealing with any other addiction….if you don’t admit you are addicted, you will never over come your weight. Look at people who are addicted to alchocol…what is the first “step” it is admiting that you have a problem but your problem is not found at the end of a Jack Daniels bottle it is found at the bottom of a Doritos bag.

I am not perfect. It took me 26 years to fully accept that number on the scale and believe me it was a scary moment for me. I felt horrible, and at first I just said to myself “I am already this fat, what is the point” I had about a week of feeling horrible and constantly saying to myself “Holy shit I am 193lbs, I am huge” but the thing is, all that looking at that number did was make me face my fatness head on.I couldn’t hide behind a coat, a large sweat shirt or a baggy pair of jeans. I was simply discusted with myself and my weight long before I looked at that number on the scale, I hated reflections, shopping everything that would expose me for the fat person that I had let myself become.

I was scared to admit that I was fat. Perhaps it was that is where my problem with battling my weight always was, it was with the self denyal that I let myself believe for so many years. I would see a fatter person than myself and say “adleast I am not that fat” but in reality I was fat, and I didn’t want to face it.

So ladies, Gentleman….If you want to change your life then do it. But first change the way that you think about yourself. Change the way that you look at that scale. It is true that the scale can be your worst enemy but now I realize that it can also be something to hold onto, something to work for, something to be proud of.

Most people don’t tell you this….

They say that the best part of losing weight is getting into that great dress, or tight pair of jeans but they are wrong.

The best part of losing weight comes when you tilt your head down and see your new number on the scale, that pride and sense of accomplishment is what people don’t tell you, that is your prize, your reward…..it is knowing that where you came from, is not where you have to be anymore.

Oink, Oink my friends….

February 25, 2009 Posted by | The begining of Your Weight loss Jorney | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment