Piggy’s little Blog

Don’t lie to youself you are fat.

Ghosts of a Previous life.

No matter how I try. No matter how far I get away from my previous negative lifestyle, I am forced on a daily basis to face Ghosts of my previous life. They exist in many forms, come to me when I don’t expect them but they are there, haunting me, taunting me, trying to pull me back towards them, back towards my previous fat life.

 

I am not perfect. There has been many things that I have done in my life that I have not been proud of, people I have hurt for no reason other than to make myself feel superior, better, people who I made fun of who were fatter than I was all in an attempt to mask my own fatness. When I look back on my life before now, at that sad girl that turned into a women somewhere along the way, it makes me sad, but most of all it scares the shit out of me. I am scared that one day, somewhere in the future I will go back to binge eating, and gaining weight. I am scared that for whatever reason that I will go back to the previous Piggy and that I will find myself back to being that fat kid in school, or that person that laughs at everything, the person that makes fun of herself before others can. I guess this is normal. I guess it is a normal feeling to have.

 

Every temptation that I give into I feel guilt, as if I have done something wrong. Every workout that I miss I feel like I have failed, fearful because I have reached a healthy weight now and maybe I will get too comfortable, stop working out and gain it all back.

 

I fear the 21km that I am going to run in May. The Half Marathon that I will attempt again. I am scared, actually no horrified that when I again reach that 13km mark I will get injured like in my past runs, and that I will fail to reach my goal. I fear that more than anything else right now. The ghosts of previous runs, previous failures are consuming my mind.

 

The ghost of no self-worth enjoys scaring me now and then, recently more than ever. I don’t even know what size I am, I am constantly buying larger clothes so  I don’t know how to shop for my body. Even when I do find clothes that fit, and know they look good, my insecurities about my stomach area rears it’s ugly head. I am forced to face that ghost, the past insecure me. I don’t like her, I hate her, but she is sometimes still there, she still exists.

 

 

I could tell you that these ghosts are “Nothing” but that would be a lie, that would not be the truth. They are something, and I hate to be the one to break it to you but they will follow you throughout your whole life. They will. They still follow me. They always will.

 

Now don’t think that I am this little helpless person still because I am not. I am the most confident in myself, the way that I look, everything in my life. I am for the first time in my 26 years of living on this  little planet happy, truly happy. I am in a great place right now, but sometimes these thoughts, these insecurities, these ghosts haunt me, I have no control over them or where they choose to rear there heads.

 

I can tell you this though. These ghosts of your past, these memories, these insecurities are actually a good thing. You can count on them to be your constant reminder of what you use to be. They are the only thing that will keep you in check. They are your fat reminder, essentially your fat alarm clock, they are necessary to make sure that you do not fall into your past life. Painful as they are, they are the things that push you forward and make sure that you do not fall back.

 

Oink, Oink my friends……

 

Original post found at: https://jbingham82.wordpress.com

 

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March 13, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , | Leave a comment